Hope deferred and restored

Proverbs 13:12

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

At the beginning of 2015, this verse really resonated with me. There were days when my heart just felt sick. It was an odd feeling, to be honest. I had never wanted to move to Los Angeles. It was never a dream for me to be in the industry, to make it in Hollywood, to live a glamorous life. In reality, all I really wanted out of life was simple: to love my job, to travel the world for God, to have good friends who I could encourage in life, and to be married with kids. Yes, having a fun-filled life of adventure is awesome, but the deepest desire of my heart has always been to be married. I saw the awesome relationship my parents had and I wanted that for myself. Someone to encourage. Some one to love and be loved by. Some one to travel with and do missions with and have fun with.

 

Being heart sick was odd for multiple reasons. There was nothing I could complain about in life. I LOVE LOS ANGELES! I never wanted to move here, but once I got out here I fell head over heels for this crazy town. With the people. With the unusual contrast between lush ocean landscapes and barren dessert beauty. With the community and network of friends that adopted me I have a job that pays the bills with extreme flexibility to continue traveling for missions and coworkers that I love to hang out with outside of work. In a transient city where the average length of stay is less than 16 months because of high expenses and a grinding psychology to try to make it, I found myself thriving socially. Some of the most creative people I've ever met are rooted here. I was living in a great location with the most wonderful roommates ever (FELICIA AND SARAH!!!!) We would have girls nights, family dinners, and Bible studies out of our apartment on a weekly basis. And yet me heart was sick. I couldn't complain because life was too amazing. God has been so gracious to me over the past few years. But the one thing that I had always hoped for hadn't happened yet.

 

Some time in the winter of 2015, I really don't know when, God had to start talking to my heart about hope. Some where along the way I had lost hope that I would actually meet the right guy for me. I had put myself out there in the dating world of LA and it came up lacking. Hollywood glamorizes the dating scene out here. In pretty much any chick flick about dating, which is like every chick flick ever made, and especially in movies that actually take place in LA, they make dating look like this super fun activity full of interesting conversations over lattés, cocktails at exclusive clubs, and men buying you drinks whenever you go out. Let me tell you what; Hollywood lies. About itself. While that may be the case for slender models who like to stay out part my bedtime and frequent the Sunset strip, for us normal, hard working girls the dating scene is LA is just exhausting. Each time you have a first date or a dating event to go to, social etiquette dictates that you get all glammed up, heart open to possibilities, are on your best most cutest behavior, only to be disappointed by not even finding a flake of glitter let alone a spark with someone. Many of the men I met were interesting, but not at all what I was looking for.  Finally one night, after yet another first date that left me deflated, with my two closest girlfriend over to comfort me, I reached a breaking point. I literally laid face down on the carpet of my apartment and wept. God my hope has been deferred for too many years. My heart is sick. God I'm gonna need some Miracle Grow to revive this withered tree in my heart. Hope had died.

 

And yet the Lord is faithful. I have seen Him pull through over and over and over again. He has provided for me in every season of my life. So I decided to start focusing on the second half of the verse. A longing fulfilled is a tree of life. I asked God to revive my heart. He asked me to start dreaming again. Really? I need to do what? He literally asked me to dream with Him again. To dream about what I wanted in my marriage, what characteristics I wanted in a man, to really search my heart and see what my heart wanted. Anybody can pray for a man, but what kind of man would resonate with my heart? Who am I as a person and what do I have to offer to a man? What kind of man would want to be with the kind of woman that I am? This was all sounding familiar. A few years back when I moved home from the mission field, God taught me a lot about being specific in prayer. This was another area where I needed to be specific. But I needed to know what I wanted to begin with.

Here's what I came up with: loves Jesus above all, tall enough that I can wear heels and not feel self conscious, an adventurous and fun-loving MacGyver type with what I like to call the 3 M's: Music, Missions, and Ministry. These were the things that were most important to me in a relationship and things I felt I could give in return. Things that I felt would compliment me in what I felt my calling in life was. Plus it was more specific than just, "is a decent human being who pays his bills on time and isn't a psycho."

Now here's something I've been pondering for a long time. Why do we feel like in the church we can't ask God for specific things, or to ask for the dreams in our hearts? Do we feel it is selfish? Too much to ask? Will we irritate God with our petty petitions? Or are we so afraid that God doesn't want to give us the things that we desire we would rather not ask and risk it "not being His will for our life"? Where did we pick up this theology? This is the same God who heard Hannah's prayer and gave her a baby, heard Jabez's petition for more land and expanded his territory, heard Elijah's prayer that there would be no rain for years and then to start the rain again, heard Gideon's weird request for a sign of confirmation that God was on his side, and heard Moses' death-wish request to see His face. Were these requests selfish? Were they too big for God? Were they only answered because they were in God's will? This is the God of the impossible that says all things are possible and that He is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, willing to do immeasurably more than we could ever hope or imagine.

I started thinking more about the Psalm 37:4: Delight yourself in the Lord; And He will give you the desires of YOUR heart. The crazy emphasis is all mine. As we delight ourselves in the Lord, we start to see how good and faithful He is. However, this is a mutual relationship. In turn, He begins to give us the desires of our hearts. He cares about what is in our hearts and loves to fulfill those desires, mostly because He probably put them there in the first place. He wants more good for us than we could ever hope for or imagine could be possible.

Hebrews 11:1 is a very common and popular verse in the Christian faith. "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." I started to focus on this verse a little differently, on the hope part instead of the faith part. By definition, Hope is an optimistic attitude of mind based on an expectation of positive outcomes related to events and circumstances in one's life or the world at large. As a verb, its definitions include: "expect with confidence" and "to cherish a desire with anticipation". So in essence you have to have hope before you can have faith. To take it a step further, I'm starting to believe that you have to dream first. A dream is a wish your heart makes, something that you long for or desire. Hope comes along and gives you the optimistic belief that those dreams can become a reality. Only then can faith gives us the confidence to keep pressing in until he tangibly have what we're hoping for.  I felt like God was asking me to dream about the man I wanted to be with to give me something concrete for hope to land on. To be specific with what was in my heart and have hope revived that God actually had someone like that out there for me. And to have faith that some where out there a man was dreaming about a woman like me and having hope that I also existed.

So what dream have you lost hope for? What dreams do you need revived so you can have hope again? It's time to start dreaming with God again.

 

"I want my crown back" and other things I've asked God as of late.

"I want my crown back." I made this rather audacious statement to God in January.

Let me give you the back story. I started the Princess Club in June to teach the girls about our inheritance as daughters of the King of kings and our position in the kingdom of God. I have really enjoyed expanding off of this theme. I actually think I have learned more than the girls ♥

As teams have come down, I have asked the women and teens of each group to become involved in the Princess Club as well. Most teams bring down princess themed crafts or stickers or funny little frilly things. Some times the groups even plan lessons for the girls. It has been great to teach the girls about various kingdoms around the world and how there are princesses of God everywhere!!!

Me and a couple princesses...

Along the way one of my favorite princesses, okay, she's actually a queen, Cindy Schmidt, from the New Life church in Ohio, came on a team prepared to work with the princesses. I love this woman because, well, she's a lot like me. We have a very similar sense of humor and find amusement in the same ridiculous things. She's also been VERY supportive of the club (let's just say she helped coordinate 50 pounds of princess materials to be brought down by the church for the start of the club!!!) She came on a team at the beginning of the club and she happened to come again in January, when I had the club for the older girls. If you remember from a previous blog post, her team came prepared to make jewelry with the teens. We had such a great time!! She also brought me a special charm: a little, silver crown charm on a necklace chain. I LOVED that crown charm!! She called it gaudy. I called it AWESOME!! I wore it that night during the princess club (it's in the picture above). And every day after.

Cindy and I looking very princess-y in front of the church

So during those days I was walking up to Carmen's every day to wash her foot. I would put my crown necklace on, put my bag on, walk up and get Seidy, and head to Carmen's for the morning. I showed both women my crown charm, thrilled to have such a cool symbol of the princess club to carry with me. It was a great way to bring up the whole topic of being a princess of God in conversation as people commented on the necklace. One day on my way back to the house....I noticed the crown charm was gone!!! Missing from the chain!!! The metal loop it was hanging from must have broken when my bag rubbed against it!! I was DEVASTATED!! My crown from Cindy!! I scoured the neighborhood. I retraced my steps carefully, looking for the charm. I called Carmen to see if it had fallen off in her house. I called Seidy to look for it by her house. Nothing. From the poopy street to the high place, I looked for my missing crown. Nothing. For weeks I kept my eyes glued to the ground, looking for my crown charm. For the first few days I asked God to show me where it was. Praying that I would have eyes to see it. Then I heard a message about being bold in bringing our petitions before God. So I was bold. I said "God, I want my crown back." That was it. And I said it every day. For a month. I didn't lose hope or faith, but as more teams came and busyness crept in, I stopped reminding God about my crown every day. I stopped looking down quite as much, hoping to see it spontaneously appear on the road. But at the beginning of the week I reminded him again. Just once under my breath as I was crossing the bridge alone. "God, I want my crown back. Please."

Fast forward to today. Seidy called me last night saying she had a gift for me. Nothing big or special, just something little. I walked up to her house with the ladies from the Portland team who were here. She welcomed us into her home and we visited for a while. She had Sherry, her daughter, grab the gift from her room. I was so excited. I had no idea what it was, but I was excited. I love little gifts!! She handed me a little packet...with a crown charm on a little cord!!!! It was almost IDENTICAL to the one Cindy had given to me!!! I couldn't believe it!! Here was exactly what I had been asking God for months to return to me. And here it was!! I couldn't stop laughing. I told her how she was the answer to my very bold request to God.

My lost-now-found crown charm :)

Wow. I can't stop thinking about this. How awesome is God, right?!? I mean, he really does care about the little things in our lives. And if He cares enough to return my cheap-o crown charm because of my persistent asking, how much more does He care about the big things in my life, too?!? Some times I think we get so afraid of offending God that we hold back from asking him for...anything...big OR small.


In a small way, it reminds me of one of my favorite parables:

Luke 18

The Parable of the Persistent Widow

 ¹ Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up. ² He said: “In a certain town there was a judge who neither feared God nor cared what people thought. ³ And there was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, ‘Grant me justice against my adversary.’    ⁴ “For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, ‘Even though I don’t fear God or care what people think, ⁵ yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won’t eventually come and attack me!’”
 ⁶ And the Lord said, “Listen to what the unjust judge says. ⁷ And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? ⁸ I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?”


While finding my crown was not a matter of justice, it mattered to me. Enough to constantly ask God about it. Enough to get an answer. It makes me even more excited to press in for the big things. Like to see people healed. To see people freed from addiction. To see people over come poverty. To have people's dignity returned. To have people's freedom returned. To have people's joy found again. What do you want to have returned? What has gone missing in your life that you want God to bring back? Are you willing to be persistent in crying out for it? With boldness?

Here are some other verses to ponder:


1 Peter 5:7
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Ask, Seek, Knock- Matthew 7:7-12

    ⁷ “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. ⁸ For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.    ⁹ “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? ¹⁰ Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? ¹¹ If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! ¹² So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.

James 1:17
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. 

More precious than tanzanite

I flew back to the states on Friday. Of course I had an EXCEPTIONALLY long flight...5 hours and 11 minutes from San Jose to Newark, New Jersey. And there was no movie. On Continental, no less. What? What's up with that?!? Anyway, with no movie, I had to amuse myself. So where does one always look first, since for the first 45 minutes of the flight your seat needs to be in an upright position with the tray table locked and loaded? The seat pocket. And what is in every seat pocket (right next to the barf bag, obviously)? The SkyMall magazine. Probably everyone who's been on a plane in the last 10 years has at least peaked at that shiny booklet-o-fun out of curiosity. What caught my eye was the following story:


African Gem Cutter Makes $2,689,000 Mistake...
Will You? 

Allegedly, just two years after the discovery of tanzanite in 1967, a Maasai tribesman knocked on the door of a gem cutter's office in Nairobi. The Maasai had brought along an enormous chunk of tanzanite and was looking to sell. His asking price? Fifty dollars. But the gem cutter was suspicious and assumed that a stone so large could only be glass. He told the tribesman, no thanks. Huge mistake. It turns out that the gem was genuine and based on common pricing, that "chunk" could have been worth close to $3,000,000!

Would you have made the same mistake? Will you make it today? 

 Tanzanite has become one of the world's most coveted gemstones. Found in only one place on Earth (in Tanzania's remote Merelani Hills, in the shadow of Mount Kilimanjaro), the precious purple stone is 1,000 times rarer than diamonds. Luxury retailers have been warning that supplies of tanzanite will not last forever. And in this case, they're right. Most believe we only have a few years left. Some along Fifth Avenue are more than happy to charge you outrageous prices for this rarity. 

Of course then the magazine went on to try and sell the jewelry, etc...This story struck me, though, on two different levels: Can we as Christians tell the difference between glass and diamonds? and Do we know how to present the treasure that is the gospel so others recognize what is it God has to offer? I guess the best way to explain is to use Jesus' parable:

The Parables of the Hidden Treasure and the Pearl-Matthew 13

    ⁴⁴ “The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.    ⁴⁵ “Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. ⁴⁶ When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it.


The Kingdom of Heaven is a precious treasure. Jesus has come to the door of your heart and is knocking, offering to give it to you as a FREE gift. It's value: Priceless:Eternal. He is offering it now. Not tomorrow. Not next week. Not for in 40 years when you die. Now. Don't miss out on the most important, valuable opportunity to recognize what God has for you that is right in front of you.  


Would you have made the same mistake? Will you make it today?