Friday, January 18, 2013

From the blog "Stuff Christians Like #1364"

9 Prayer Tips:
1. Know that if you have an “unspoken prayer request,” people are going to assume porn.
Sorry, those are the rules. No one assumes you’re unspoken prayer request is about how much volunteer work you’re doing in the homeless community. We assume the worst.
2. Don’t disguise gossip as prayer.
If you pray for your neighbor, “Who recently cheated on her husband with that yoga instructor from Argentina,” you have not prayed. You have gossiped. Quit it.
3. Don’t be the prayer request whisperer.
Know why your prayers continue to go unanswered? Because you speak so softly that even God can’t hear them. (Not sure that’s theologically true, but it feels right.) Speak up when you make a prayer request.
4. Pray with a British accent.
Want that prayer heard? Use a British accent, even God prefers those.
5. Aim for as many “prayer grunts of affirmation” as you can get.
How else will you know the prayer has been effective? If you’ve got a better prayer score method, I am all ears. Especially if you are British.
6. Don’t say “let’s pray” when you mean “let’s make out.”
Maybe this is just for those college students out there, but stop doing this. You know this happens at Baptist colleges. I mean I never did that, but some sinners did. Stop.
7. Don’t make up a prayer request just because everyone else has one.
They’re not lollipops. It’s OK for you not to have one. I promise.
8. Always have background music.
You might have to carry a portable Bluetooth stereo or your iPhone for smaller prayer moments, but trust me, this is key. When people start praying, gently Tomlin that scene.
9. Know which meals to pray before.
Don’t lose your cool in a restaurant. Know if you should pray before or after queso. These things matter.

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